Humorous Letters Post 1! (this is a work of fiction)

Dear Alice,

If there ever was a time that I needed you it is now. Im sure your wondering where Ive been for the past five years. Well, its more than a little complicated but I will do my best to explain. I know this sounds funny but I have been stranded on a desert island! On a trip across the cold Atlantic my plane ripped in twine, spilling me and all other passengers to the sandy beaches below.

If you laid eyes on me today recognition would be nearly impossible for my grueling, forced fish and mango diet has rendered my once squeezably plush physique into a shivering husk. My gorgeous auburn locks have been beaten yellow by the malevolent rays of the beach sun and my flesh has been twisted into a taut leathery material not unlike the skin that forms on the top of pudding after sitting too long on the table. I am so hungry!

Enough about me. Let us talk about how you can help me. Although I am stranded on this vast wasteland and have been for many years (five to be exact as I told you before) not all hope is lost! Word around the swaying desert bush is that youve recently inherited some money. Lots, to be blunt.

I am only asking what I am so that I may be rid of this land and continue to live my life the way God intended it. With lots of money.

If you would be so kind as to forward all of it into my banking account I will surely walk on un-sanded floors once again and restore my meager frame to its original, healthy plump.

And you will not go unrewarded Im sure.

I understand you're probably skeptical but I can assure you that I am trapped in the middle of this island and my only way out is through your dead fathers money. I too would be skeptical if I received a letter from a person I hadn't seen in five years. Someone, no less, whom you thought to have seen at the grocery store last Friday, and whom when you approached to greet, shot violently out the nearest exit. That was not me but rather my twin brother, as I am stuck on this island, remember?

Im sure right now youre asking yourself "But he never had a twin brother when I knew him, did he?" As a reply let me reiterate that I have been here for five years, and a lot has changed since then. I do have a twin brother and he finds you very unattractive. So much so that he had to escape your conversation and is still plucking the shards of escape from his perfect replica of my former body. I, however, do find you attractive. Attractively wealthy and a kind and giving person. A kind person hopefully giving to get me off of this rotten sand dot in the midst of the harsh oceanic waters.

If you would be so kind as to adhere to my request (and probably avoid my twin brother at all costs as his reactions to repeated unattractiveness tend to swell in violence with each occurrence) then we shall both be rewarded. Me with my freedom, and you with ...whatever kind of deal we can work out. Hope to see you soon!

Strandedly Yours,
Jarthin Haplar